My Breakthrough

I'm back :) And unfortunately heavier than when I stopped writing. Actually, I gained back all the weight I lost my first time on Weight Watchers. Disappointing, I know. Most of that weight (about 20 pounds) was gained this summer, in about 2 months. Crazy. CRAZY. I can't believe it and it used to make me a little sick to think about it. But I've owned up to it and I'm doing better, so it's easier to swallow.

If you had asked me a week ago why I gained so much weight I would of told you I was stressed and depressed. I didn't have a job, I went from crazy busy to nothing to do, I had just graduated and had a huge financial load I couldn't do anything about... and so on. But now, I believe there is only one real reason. I gained weight because of my choices. And I realize that now. I hadn't owned up to it, and had blamed my weight gain on things that were not in my control.  But here's the thing, people. I AM in control of my own weight. It finally hit me. If my boyfriend is reading this now he may be saying, Hallelujah! because he has been telling me this forever.

Do you know how empowering it is to realize it's up to you? I have an eating disorder. I overeat compulsively. It's actually called compulsive eating disorder. I used to be bulimic. Which is bingeing and then purging. Stopped the purging, but not the bingeing, and the weight crept up. Okay, it didn't really creep, it was running full force.

Yes, it sucks. Yes it is SUPER hard to not give in to cravings. And I thought it was stronger than I am. But it's not. And that's something I had to learn. I had to believe in myself. Last weekend Brandon and I were talking about another aspect in my life that I wasn't taking control of: my emotions and responding to frustration. There are a lot of things that can influence my emotions. Two main things are when I am tired and when I am on my period. I have a harder time being kind, patient, understanding, and I usually make a bigger deals out of things than they are. But that is not to say that I can't still control my emotions. It is harder to make a good choice on how I will respond to those increased emotions, but that's not to say I can't still make a good choice. No matter how strong those emotions are, I am stronger.

Yesterday was an emotional day. I had to work 2-6. About an hour before I was going to leave I kept thinking that all I wanted to do was go to the store, grab a family size Totinos frozen pizza, eat it all myself and veg out on my bed. So I texted my awesome friend and weight loss partner, Mandee, and told her what I wanted to do. Putting it out there made me more aware and her encouragement helped me to make a good choice. And I did. Sometimes the urge is so strong to eat something is SO incredibly strong that I feel like a crazy person. Believing I can do it helps me to not let the feeling get so out of control.

Tonight I knew we were going to a family member's house for dinner. I didn't know what they were having for dinner, but I did know that they always have dessert. I was really hungry before I left my house so I grabbed some cucumbers to munch on the way there, and some sweet grapes to eat while everyone else eats dessert. Speaking of which, they are all eating ice cream with syrup right at this moment. I am not. :D

I could eat some ice cream on a normal week. I am doing Weight Watchers and have weekly points to use. But, Thanksgiving is on Thursday and I'd rather save my points for my grandma's pecan pie I only get twice a year. And that piece of pie is 14 points, so I need all the points I can get. (To put it into perspective, I get 29 points for a whole day. So that piece of pie is half my daily points. I get 49 weekly points I can use all week or all in one day). Points are calculated on protein, carbs, fiber, and fat.

This has been long. But the main point is, I can do this. And I believe that. And it's getting easier to use my power to make good choices each time that I rise above a food temptation.